Posts Tagged ‘anger’

So you lost him. Now what?

lobsters (1)

Something on page 156 of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love jumped out at me. The book has been at my bedside for a long time, maybe a year or two. Or three. The passage below of a conversation between Elizabeth and Richard from Texas speaks to me because of the hurt I have been carrying with me for the last four years.

It was back to normal state of mind by end of year one. Still thought of him every day but stopped crying at the mere mention of him in year two. Could see him and hold myself together by year three. I thought I am in year three until a Facebook memory notification pushed a memory of him from four years ago. Has it been that long?

A few months ago, I started having that disturbing feeling again. It feels like a knot in the heart and I’ve been having it on and off. I thought I had finally gotten rid of it and now it’s back. This time was almost as intense as the first, which was akin to having your heart pickled. Sometimes it goes away for awhile, but it would be there again in the morning.

The last episode, I suspect, was triggered by a difficult situation at work. Things were sorted out in the end but the feeling remained. So I continued to feel on edge, wondering if something really bad was about to happen. A few things did happen, but nothing that caused my world to crash down… and now I’m reminded that I finally feel… nothing.

It’s time to move on.

“I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

“I’ve already given it 12 months, Richard.”

“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.

Someday, you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Rake this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you though you were capable of reaching, I mean, you got zapped, kiddo. But the love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soulmate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful.

Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries, David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. This was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’re really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen when she’s totally alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with ghtta be.”

“That doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could – “

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”




Sad love songs

“Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys!”

Who’s having the last laugh now? Heartbreak gave Sam Smith material for his debut album In the Lonely Hour. His album was nominated for six categories in the Grammy Awards and it won four: Best Pop Vocal Album, Record of the Year, Song of the Year and Best New Artist. That’s major redemption and a middle finger at the heartbreaker.

Taylor Swift built her songbook on failed relationships. Some of the best love anthems around are based on jilted love. Does sadness and anger write the best love songs? I believe so. When your heart is ripped up so badly, you become painfully aware of every single emotion. You are blessed (or cursed) with the ability to reach into the depths of despair and articulate feelings with great clarity.

When you’re down and damaged, every sad love song becomes your personal story. I didn’t go out to buy a compilation CD of Songs for the Brokenhearted. These songs just came to me because they spoke to me. Here they are, in no particular order. Has it been three years already? God, when will I have my Sam Smith moment? There has got to be a positive spin to this.

This song still makes me cry when I listen to it. I bet there are many choked up people in the audience each time she sings this.

I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

Invisible – I feel like I’m invisible
You treat me like I’m not really there
and you don’t really care
I know this romance
it ain’t going nowhere
Invisible just like my love. You treat me like I’m invisible
When you get the need to flirt you do your worst

You just don’t care how much it hurts.

Oh, I could feel that she was almost in tears. This performance on 20 November 2011 was around the time when her marriage with Russell Brand was on the rocks. On 31 Dec, he sent her a text message divorcing her.

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don’t have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

Not a sad song, but it reminded of the weekends we had. Meet on Friday, enjoy on Saturday, gone by Sunday.

All the dreams that we were building
We never fulfilled them

This was the song I sent to him when I could feel him slipping away.

I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are

I could never get a straight answer out of him on why he left. “I’m not in a position to be in a relationship right now,” did not hold water, not when he was the one pushing me into the relationship, and especially not when he announced his relationship status with another just a few days later, on Facebook. Couldn’t even tell me straight to my face he was ending things.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don’t patronize

I’m all cried out
You took a whole lot of loving
For a handful of nothing
It’s hard to give you something
When you’re pushing and a-shoving me around

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

Not the most apt lyrics, but I was reminded of this song by something a friend said, “Don’t let him stay rent-free in your heart, using your emotions and hurting you.”

Happier times.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
I want to know
you’re gonna stay for the weekend

Our love is dead
but the dead don’t go away
They made us what we are
they’re with us every day
Our love is dead
but the dead are still alive
in memory and thought
and the context they provide

Decisions, confusions, trepidations

Should I start writing sooner rather than later?
Pour it out or wait for never?
Shout or simmer? Give up or fight on? Listen or lash out?
Ignore or acknowledge? Stay by the sidelines or say something?
Try to forget or choose to remember?

Show me the answers if you want me to survive.
Help me find meaning if you want me to learn.
Help me let go if you want me to move on.
And for ****’s sake, stop slapping me in the face and twisting daggers in my heart!